3 Types of Expectations That Can Cause Conflict in Your Marriage

Whether we realize it or not, our expectations shape how we experience life. Did you have a good day or a bad one? Was that new restaurant amazing or disappointing? Did your vacation live up to the hype? The answer depends on what you were expecting. And the same is true in marriage.

Unmet expectations are behind many arguments between spouses. These expectations can take different forms. Here are three types of expectations that often lead to conflict in marriage:

1. Unrealistic Expectations

Having expectations in marriage isn’t a bad thing. In fact, they can be helpful. They give you a sense of what’s acceptable and help you hold yourself—and each other—accountable. Expectations can even help you grow as a couple. But there’s a fine line between goals and fantasy.

When expectations are too perfect or too high, disappointment is almost guaranteed. For instance, if you think your marriage will be all romance with no arguments, you’ll likely be let down. If you expect your spouse to always understand what you need without you saying it, or to never upset you, you're setting yourself up for frustration. Neither of you is perfect. You’re both human, and mistakes will happen. Expecting perfection just isn’t realistic.

2. Unspoken Expectations

Sometimes we know exactly what we want, but we never say it out loud. We hope our spouse will just know—or figure it out—and then we get upset when they don’t.

Take birthdays, for example. Maybe your spouse asks what you want to do, and you say, “I don’t care,” even though you do. You’re hoping they’ll guess right. But when they don’t plan anything, you feel hurt or disappointed. It would be nice if your spouse could read your mind, but that’s just not fair—or realistic.

Talking about your expectations clearly gives your spouse a better chance to meet them. And it gives you a better chance of not feeling let down.

3. Ingrained Expectations

These are the expectations you don’t even realize you have. They come from how you were raised, what you saw growing up, what culture or media says, or even from your own dreams and ideas about marriage.

Have you ever gotten mad and not really known why? That might be a sign of an ingrained expectation. Maybe you assume holidays should look a certain way, or you expect money to be managed like it was in your family. Maybe you think marriage should follow a specific timeline—like when to buy a house or have kids.

When these hidden expectations aren’t met, emotions can come up fast and strong. That can lead to conflict if you’re not aware of where those feelings are coming from.

Expectations are like a ruler we use to measure our reality. In marriage, they have a big impact on how happy and satisfied we feel. But unrealistic, unspoken, and ingrained expectations can make things harder than they need to be. They can cause you to see your spouse—and your relationship—in a negative light.

The key is communication. When you and your spouse talk honestly and work together, you can set healthy, realistic expectations that help your marriage grow stronger.