The Power of Forgiveness: Why It Matters in Your Marriage

“Will you forgive me?" This simple question can be one of the most powerful phrases in your marriage. But what happens when that question hangs in the air and you find yourself struggling to forgive your spouse?

A Foundation for Forgiveness

First, it helps to understand what the Bible says about forgiveness. In a spiritual sense, forgiveness is the complete dismissal of a sin. It’s the conscious choice to stop keeping score—to not tuck away a wrongdoing as a weapon to use in your next argument. It acknowledges that aside from Jesus Christ, no one is perfect. Through faith in Him, however, we are given forgiveness for our own failings when we confess them (Colossians 1:13-14).

Second, forgiveness between people is a mirror of the constant forgiveness God extends to us. When we forgive one another, it can lead to connection, restoration, and a deeper unity in the relationship, just as God intends (Ephesians 4:32). As a married couple, the act of forgiving helps you both grow closer not just to each other, but also to God.

Navigating Conflict and Tension

For those of you who are married, when an argument arises, you can feel a physical tension build in the home. This feeling is a clear sign that you need to stop and acknowledge three things:

1.      One or both of you is hurting.

2.      You need to apologize for the wrongdoing.

3.      You need to seek forgiveness from each other.

Forgiveness requires both people to step up. One person needs to sincerely apologize, and the other needs to make the choice to forgive.

Three Ways to Find Forgiveness

If you're finding it hard to forgive your spouse, here are three steps to consider.

A Note on Safety: The following suggestions do not apply to situations involving emotional, physical, or spiritual abuse or unrepentant sin. In those serious cases, it is crucial to seek professional counseling or wise spiritual direction.

1. Pray for your own heart and marriage.

When we struggle to forgive, we often tell ourselves a false story: that the other person couldn't possibly be hurting as much as you, or that God simply needs to change their heart, not yours. This narrative doesn't lead to connection. Instead, it focuses on the other person’s small faults while ignoring your own, as Jesus warned against in Matthew 7:3.

Before you talk to a friend or family member, take your conflict to Jesus. Step away, take a deep breath, and invite God's presence into the moment. Often, we can find that the heat of the argument took control of our emotions, and a moment of quiet prayer helps regain perspective.

2. Seek a trusted friend.

You are not meant to do marriage alone. Jesus lived in community, and having wise, listening friends—both married and single—is a blessing. These friendships, like the biblical one between David and Jonathan (1 Samuel 18:1-4), are built on trust, honesty, and love. A friend who is truly invested in your well-being may tell you hard truths, but you know that guidance comes from a place of deep love.

Remember to be careful about how you describe your spouse to others. The goal of seeking a friend’s advice is to move you toward forgiveness, not to build a case against your spouse. Make a promise to one another to never speak negatively about each other to family or friends or discuss a fight until you’ve processed it together first. This helps you work through the conflict as a team and prevents you from avoiding each other.

3. Remember your wedding day.

No matter the specifics of your vows, you committed to stand by one another "until death do you part." That commitment included accepting your spouse with their flaws and allowing them to see yours. We can often like and dislike that our spouse serves as a mirror, showing us our shortcomings and constant need for God's grace. Remembering that God brought you together for a good purpose—for your growth and His glory—will help guide you through the toughest struggles.

Forgiveness is Not the End of the Story

Forgiveness is incredibly hard. It is complicated, and it is rarely easy to apologize or to offer forgiveness when you are hurting. When you struggle, remember Jesus, who took up His cross, forgave us for our sins, and understands your human struggle as you try to forgive your spouse.

One final thing to consider. Forgiveness is not necessarily letting the other person off the hook. There needs to be necessary action on their part, including making things right and showing genuine repentance (a sincere change of heart and behavior). Boundaries may need to be put in place to prevent any harmful behavior from happening again. In some cases, an intervention by a pastor, counselor, or mature friend is necessary to help the offending spouse understand that the behavior is unacceptable and must change.

Do you have a specific situation in your marriage that you're struggling to forgive right now? Start the healing process right now by bringing it to Jesus.