Marriage Isn’t a Competition: Ditch the Scorecard

You keep track of the stats of your favorite athletes. You monitor your sleep and activity levels on your phone or watch. You even tally points in a casual game of Scrabble or Farkle. But should you keep score in your marriage?

Most of us know the answer is no, yet many of us do it anyway—sometimes without even realizing it. Maybe you mentally note how often you’ve handled one of your spouse’s chores, how much time they’ve spent on a hobby, or how many nights they’ve gotten up with the baby. Scorekeeping can take different forms, but it all leads to the same result:

It undermines your sense of partnership.

Here’s why. When you focus on balancing numbers, your mindset shifts to “me vs. you.” Suddenly, marriage feels like a competition. Am I doing more around the house than they are? Do they get to go out more than I do? Who’s winning more arguments?

But marriage isn’t about equal, measurable exchanges. It’s about rhythm—sometimes you carry more, other times your spouse does. The goal isn’t to stay perfectly balanced but to have each other’s backs, to step in when the other is tired, and to lift each other up without keeping score.

So why do we still fall into the trap? Scorekeeping feels like a shortcut to fairness. If everything is even, then there’s no reason to be upset, right? Not quite. Usually, scorekeeping points to something deeper: resentment. Maybe you feel overlooked, crave more quality time, or are burning out in a specific area. Maybe there’s an issue you’ve avoided bringing up. Whatever the case, keeping score is often just a symptom of something larger.

So what can you do instead? The next time you catch yourself keeping score, pause and reflect. Ask yourself: Am I truly upset about this specific thing, or is it tied to something deeper? Then consider whether you’ve actually talked to your spouse about it. They may have no idea you’re struggling or feeling unappreciated. If you’ve already had the conversation, it could be a sign that a bigger issue needs your attention as a couple. Stepping back from the scorecard and addressing the root problem shifts your mindset from competition to collaboration.

Keeping score may feel harmless, but over time it can trap you in a “you vs. your spouse” mentality. Identifying the real issue and choosing to work through it together is the best way to strengthen your marriage—and come out ahead.